Infidels!

So, it's 2010, and fairly recently a lot of people have been raving about Assassin's Creed II, so I feel it's a perfect time to discuss Assassin's Creed 1. Why? Because I'm slow on the uptake and have only played that one recently and I wish to finish it before starting the supposedly awesome sequel. That's why.

My initial impressions on the game were very good. It looked impressive, and the whole virtual reality/genetic memory simulator was unique, if a little strange and somewhat unexpected. And the game mechanics looked solid, although initially I thought they were complicated, going on about socially acceptable and not socially acceptable things. It made me feel like they were asking me to eat with specific types of cutlery and to do it wrongly would be a shame on my whole family. What's the difference between a salad fork and a regular fork? I don't know! I don't know why I'd ever need to know!

Of course, I digress. The game, fortunately, doesn't go to this level of complexity with "socially accepted behaviour". It sticks to the relatively simple "walking around in faux-prayer and gently pushing aside beggars" equals "socially acceptable", while climbing buildings, knocking over random people carrying pots on their heads and stabbing soldiers in the throat is generally frowned upon.

The game did seem initially quite fun, but now I'm on Memory Block 5 I can't help but get an endless sense of deja vu. Have I done this stuff before? Why, yes, yes I have. Every "chapter" of the game amounts to the following formula:

- Travel from Super Secret Assassin's Hideout In The Mountains on horseback to one of the three major cities in the area (which, of course, break all rules of geography being right next to each other despite being at different ends of Israel in reality, with Damascus actually being in Syria, but we'll let that slide)
- Visit Super Secret Assassin's Lair within city that no one has ever noticed despite the whopping great ASSASSINS sign on the roof, get mission
- Climb every large structure in the city to update your map and throw yourself off them all into conveniently placed bales of hay.
- Eavesdrop, interrogate and pickpocket various people around the city. These sections very rarely vary. Occasionally an Assassins informant may inexplicably ask you to collect a set of flags he's dropped (no, I don't know either), but otherwise you're basically getting information
- Return to SSAL and tell them everything you've heard. You get given a feather and go told to stain it with your target's blood. No, I don't know either.
- Go find your target, kill him, and then listen to him ramble on and on about how good he really was to stab his followers and wear their skins as coats and dance on their graves singing the Macarena
- Return to SSAHITM to be told you did a good job and that you're actually a better assassin than the leader thought you were.
- REPEAT ELEVENTY BILLION TIMES! :D

Now sure, this is fun initially. There's something strangely enjoyable about sneaking around on rooftops, silently slitting guard's throats (second time I've mentioned that...hmm...) and generally being a sneaky ninja type. Only with a white robe, not black. And you really feel a part of this bustling, living city. Wow, how impressive!

Except on the 50th time you do it. It quickly becomes apparent that sneaking through the streets is so much slower and more tedious than just climbing to the nearest roof and taking the quicket route to your desinations. And that bustling, living city sure enjoys repeating itself. Wandering around Damascus becomes a real chore when every other corner has some man reciting the same speech everywhere.

"Praise Salahadin! Curse the Christian king and his army of infidels! They say it's a crusade, a crusade for what? Ignorance? Violence?"

I didn't look that up, that's all from memory. BECAUSE I'VE HEARD IT SO OFTEN IT'S STUCK THERE FOREVER! D:

What's more, other residents of the city prove even more irritating. The beggars are a particularly shining example, constantly hounding you for coins, getting in your way, and reciting the same bloody speeches every time, clearly trying to make you out to be a complete bastard for not giving them a few coins. The problem is, of course, that even if they weren't irritating beyond belief and you wanted to show them some compassion and actually give them that money, YOU CAN'T! There is no monetary system in this game, so their inclusion seems to be just to infuriate the player. Punching them in the face is highly satisfying though. Shame they never learn their lesson.

The madmen are worse. You can hear them a mile away, laughing and grunting away like there's no tomorrow. Walk anywhere near them though, and they punch you in the face. No really, they PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. For no reason other than because they're utter lunatics. And what's worse is that you're the only one they pester in this way, same with the beggars. What makes Altair so special that these people only feel it necessary to pester him and him only?

Of course Memory Block 5 makes all this worse. They appear mid mission more often than not, and they come in higher numbers. One pickpocket mission takes place in a courtyard FILLED with madmen. While you're trying to silently slip through the crowd to catch up to your target, all the while keeping out of sight, having someone punch you in the head and push you into the man you're trying to stay hidden from doesn't help. Hell, it doesn't even add challenge, it just becomes annoying. And the beggars decided to crop up in an assassination mission...IN PAIRS. Oh lord. WHY?! D:

Of course, the guards are an oddity unto themselves as well. Especially in Acre, the residence of the British and the French. Now, the game's usage of modern English in Medieval Israel is brushed off in-game as part of the Animus's translation function, saying that Nathan Drake...sorry, Desmond Miles wouldn't be able to understand it if they all talked like Chaucer (or, for that matter, like Isrealis), which I could accept if the French weren't SPEAKING FRENCH! Now, suspension of disbelief aside (let's face it, would you like it if they made everyone sound exactly as they would have done at the time? Correct answer: no), if you say everybody's been translated in English for Desmond's (and by extension, the player's) benefit, you damn well best keep everyone like that. I'll accept wildly exaggerated French accents, but "une assassin! Zut alors!" just betrays what they claimed.

Not that the English are any better. They range in vocal talents from Highly Apologetic Upper Class Type (well, they aren't apologetic, but they're tone makes me think they will just turn round and say "look, I'm terribly sorry, but you can't be here, it's not allowed. Sorry, but I have to kill you now old chap, I hope this doesn't affect your opinion of me") to Cockney Wideboy Type (who sound like they wandered off the set of Eastenders and/or any given Guy Ritchie movie to the point where I expect all their threats to end in "sunshoine") to Michael Palin. No really, I've distinctly heard a voice just like Palin's in full Python mode. I half expect him to tell me my parrot's not really dead, 'e's restin'.

Of course, guard voices are a minor point, but I mention them anyway for observation purposes. However, the repetition and poor placement of particularly irritating citizens is. Don't get me wrong, the game is still compelling. The story is interesting, and the gameplay is solid. Everything flows and there's barely a glitch in sight. And the assassinations themselves are immense fun. Just a shame the rest of the gameplay's gotten so samey.

I shall play it through to the end, just because I'm interested in the plot, and report my final thoughts before moving onto the sequel like everyone else has already done. And hopefully I'll have something more interesting to say about it then.